Originally posted on Tumblr, but I thought I'd put it here. It's easier to keep track of. Not like anyone reads this anymore anyway, not even me.
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Depends in the night in question, really.
Some nights it’s the toddler who’s grown up so fast since I last saw her. The baby girl who us going to turn fifteen and realise she looks nothing like her daddy. The teenager who will search for the truth, who won’t give up until she dies, if she’s anything like her biological father. What will she find? Who knows. He’s a different man today than he was when I could have called him a friend.
Other nights it’s the playful kid I grew up with, who I used to tear screaming around the house with, without a care in the world. Before boys and girls had cooties, before he moved away, before we both grew up. Before we knew the real world, that made up believe the dark things that we post on our blogs. That boy’s become a man, a man I’ll pray for but never talk to, never knowing how.
It’s not always the past that keeps me awake. The people of the present, and of the future… They’re the nightmares now. Not through any wrongdoing on their part, but because, being so sure of relationships that have been ripped away in the past, has made me that much more aware of how much all of it is determined by chance. You can trust someone to the end of the earth, but given the right circumstances, any one of them could crush your heart into the ground.
It hurts, my god does it hurt. And you’ll never really know if it’s worth it, not really. Because even if you start to think it is, a little part of you will always be waiting for the pain. Because there will always be pain.
