Summer's over now, the good times are in the past

You ever know what the right thing to do is, but you just can't bring yourself to do it? I've been like that for weeks. I don't know when it started, I don't think there was any particular catalyst, it was just a dark spot in the back of my head that I'd ignore and ignore, until I couldn't anymore. It got to a point where I was keeping in so much, and ignoring how problematic they were, that I'd physically take it out on myself so that I wouldn't snap at them.

Are they, were they, worth all of that? Part of me still says yes, they still are/were some of my closest friends. They put up with so much of my crap, and never really complained. I think I trusted too much again, let out too many things that should have stayed in my head. Didn't learn my lesson about giving people close to me the perfect ammo to destroy me, but having experienced it twice now, I think I'd rather be shot in the face with it, than bleed out through tiny pinpricks over time. I still care about them, I guess, and I worry. I'll miss them every day, just like I miss her every day, but at some point you've just got to walk away, because no matter how much you love and care for someone, if they don't give a shit about you, it's just going to hurt over and over and over again.

Love too easily,
Love too deeply.
Love the rush of it coursing through your veins.

At the end of the day, that's all it was. Just another fucking drug, bringing me so far off the ground that I'd forget there was such a thing as a comedown. And sure, if you keep getting high, the comedown will never exist.

And then you stop.

Dream until you can't stop shaking

It's beautiful here. The right kind of beautiful, where the sun is shining down on everything, but the wind is rustling through the leaves and slowly swinging my rocking chair. Everything seems so peaceful on the surface, it's like a moment from a dream. Part of me wants to just disintegrate so the wind can blow me away, and I can become part of a million different other beautiful moments. Is that what everyone's chasing? I can't remember the last time I had an actual dream, it's always memories. Then the faces in the memories change, and I can't calm down and I can't be okay because there's no way to prove that it won't become another reality. How many times does it need to happen before the universe decides I've learnt whatever lesson it's trying to teach.

Build up your walls.
Build up your walls.
Build up your walls.

One day I'll make the choice, one day I'll have the guts to do what's right. I've been a selfish bitch for longer than I should have. At the end of the day, why draw something out and make it long and painful? Just say what needs to be said, and do what needs to be done. People will discourage you, sure, but nobody is more honest than they are after a night of drinking. Things were said for a reason, think about that. People also try to undo what they say, and although it never works, they try to do it for a reason.

They know not what they do, cause in the end everyone's chasing an unattainable dream.