It's so easy to think in the rain. Thousands of drops falling down from the heavens. It feels so peaceful, lying here on the cold, wet concrete, away from the world, yet still very much a part of it; nothing to be heard but the rain falling to earth.
-----
It was raining that day too, I remember, because it was the day after Tigress had cut my hair, so that at a glance, I looked like a boy. Lion was taking me to the corner shop, to buy me some candy, and cheer me up a little. As we were leaving the house, I went to get my umbrella. I am so glad I did that, otherwise he wouldn't have turned around again to tell me that real guys don't need umbrellas. Then he looked around the house before he left it with me, for what would be the last time.
It was raining that day. I saw the rain pound his body, saw his blood stain the pavement as I ran, the tears that nobody could see stinging my eyes as I blindly tried to find my way home. How I actually made it back I cannot say, for I don't remember consciously choosing a direction, I just remember needing to run as far away as possible from what had just happened and the grim realisations that would follow. Returning home to Tigress and Leopard, I could see in their faces that they already knew what had happened, and that we all knew what it meant. It had begun, as we knew it would. We were to be hunted, persecuted for what we were, for what we had no desire to be, for the parasites that lived within our bodies.
-----
It is in remembering where you come from that will enable you to figure out where you are going. The first memorable tragedy in my life, other than my birth, happened in the rain. Leopard's body was found in the ocean at the bottom of a cliff, and Tigress's body was found in a bathtub of water. It's a small wonder that now, years later. I have a degree of hydrophobia. But now, lying here, one of my greatest fears pouring down on the earth for miles around me, I feel the most at peace. The rain has a way of washing away prejudices, preconceptions, misconceptions, doubts and judgements, enabling me to see things clearly. Several things I've found out in the past week have shaken my grip on the world, on reality. I find myself thinking, hoping, dreaming that my life could be like The Truman Show, everyone in it just actors, waiting to yell "Surprise!" at the right moment. No assurance like that ever comes. I've given up trying to decide what is real and what is not, for the concept of reality is not one that I have easily grasped or accepted, and the consequences of living as I do means that this bare grasp of reality is forever being disturbed by events occuring in my everyday life.
Being human, to some degree I also fear isolation, however, in keeping with my paradoxical existence, I also seek it. I believe this reaction to others is more subconscious than conscious. I am able, to a very large degree, to outwardly appear incredibly friendly and social, indeed, that is the one comment that has been everpresent in my school reports since I began formal schooling. However, although I supposedly attract many acquaintances, nobody really seems to notice how hard it is for me to make and maintain real friendships, and then to get to the point where I actually trust said friends. People often say to me that trust is essential in any friendship, and I agree, to some extent. I trust most of my friends with secrets and the like, but that's not the trust I was referring to. That was referring to trusting them not to abandon me. Only a handful of people have earned this trust, and I don't blame the rest of the world for not trying to. I'm a ridiculously hard person to get along with, and the friends I have now, trust or no, have stuck with me through good and bad, and there's been a lot of bad. Yet, for some reason, some of them still don't have that level of trust, and I can't for the life of me figure out why. It's like there is another being within my mind, controlling where and with whom I can feel safe, controlling one of the essential parts of my life: the way I interact with other people.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Thursday, July 7, 2011
If everything's made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am
Dear Readers,
I'm not entirely sure why I chose to do this in letter form. Perhaps it is because it is easier to pour my thoughts and feelings seemingly to a person, or people, rather than the cold, dark place that is the world wide web. I might as well get the formalities over with at the start. Although it has been a long time since I last posted, I regret to inform you that I will be unable to provide you with your random fix of sarcasm, cynicism and haughty derision. There will still be posts on the site, but I urge you not to read them, for the quality of my writing at the present time is absolutely appalling, and I would not want to waste my dear, lovely readers' time, or insult their intelligence by encouraging them to continue reading this complete and utter bullshit.
-----
Who thought that something could shake the atmosphere, the very landscape of the abyss? The past week's events have brought a realisation that has changed my personality entirely, and has split the abyss by a vast chasm, and it is here , deep in this chasm, uncharted ground, where my psyche currently resides.
Children (and I use the term very loosely, as many of you are children in spirit, rather than reality), in life there sometimes comes moments of great, overwhelming self-realisation. Sometimes it will be easy to take, other times, not so much. Over the past few days, I've discovered that I have become that which I've always hated. Hell, maybe there's not even a "become" in that sentence, maybe I haven't changed, I've just lost a bit of my previous denial.
-----
They set out on their crusade, some alone, some in groups, and still others oblivious of their actions, all determined to fight and succeed in their cause. For the cause, they put aside their differences and fought side by side as brothers, to destroy the abyss, and all that it stood for, to bring light, relief and hope to all the creatures living within. Valiantly they fought on, passing through wall after wall of opposition as if it were merely air, until they finally dispelled the dark cloud that hung over the abyss, letting its inhabitants taste light for the first time in a millenia. Hope began to spread throughout the land, but as quickly as the light had come, it disappeared with one sentence, and the abyss was once again plunged into darkness, deeper than it had ever seen before. Though they did not completely succeed in their mission, these brave men and women were remembered as heroes, recorded as gods in legends of old, forever imprinted in the minds and hearts of any creatures unfortunate enough to inhabit the abyss.
-----
Find a reason to live, he says. It's funny how a simple statement can completely change the course of one's thoughts and actions. He says again, find a reason to live. For a moment, that seems like endless days, I am submerged in deep thought. What exactly is the reason? Is it just simply because I am alive, and I'm not bothered enough to change that status? Is there actually a reason? And then it hit me. With the speed and force of a freight train. In everything I do, unbeknownst to me until now, there are signs of it. When I walk, when I cry, when I cut; it's there, just a shadow of the real thing, the real person. None of my actions are purely my own, rather hers in a different body. If she wishes to hurt me, then she does, but the physical pain from that is trivial against those times, which are getting steadily more frequent, when she is unaware how much emotional pain she is inflicting upon me, without meaning to. It does sometimes sicken me with self-hatred, how much I let another human being affect my life. She is the reason I walk this world alive, yet the very force that is pulling me over the edge.
So, I reply to him, after a million years, yes, I have a reason to live, but that is also the reason I want to die. To observe what one dreams of everyday, but never be able to grasp it, is far beyond the threshold of pain that I can take.
It is that realisation which has grafted this chasm, and dragged my fragile mind to its depths. Time passes so slowly down here, although I doubt I have much of it left.
I'm not entirely sure why I chose to do this in letter form. Perhaps it is because it is easier to pour my thoughts and feelings seemingly to a person, or people, rather than the cold, dark place that is the world wide web. I might as well get the formalities over with at the start. Although it has been a long time since I last posted, I regret to inform you that I will be unable to provide you with your random fix of sarcasm, cynicism and haughty derision. There will still be posts on the site, but I urge you not to read them, for the quality of my writing at the present time is absolutely appalling, and I would not want to waste my dear, lovely readers' time, or insult their intelligence by encouraging them to continue reading this complete and utter bullshit.
-----
Who thought that something could shake the atmosphere, the very landscape of the abyss? The past week's events have brought a realisation that has changed my personality entirely, and has split the abyss by a vast chasm, and it is here , deep in this chasm, uncharted ground, where my psyche currently resides.
Children (and I use the term very loosely, as many of you are children in spirit, rather than reality), in life there sometimes comes moments of great, overwhelming self-realisation. Sometimes it will be easy to take, other times, not so much. Over the past few days, I've discovered that I have become that which I've always hated. Hell, maybe there's not even a "become" in that sentence, maybe I haven't changed, I've just lost a bit of my previous denial.
-----
They set out on their crusade, some alone, some in groups, and still others oblivious of their actions, all determined to fight and succeed in their cause. For the cause, they put aside their differences and fought side by side as brothers, to destroy the abyss, and all that it stood for, to bring light, relief and hope to all the creatures living within. Valiantly they fought on, passing through wall after wall of opposition as if it were merely air, until they finally dispelled the dark cloud that hung over the abyss, letting its inhabitants taste light for the first time in a millenia. Hope began to spread throughout the land, but as quickly as the light had come, it disappeared with one sentence, and the abyss was once again plunged into darkness, deeper than it had ever seen before. Though they did not completely succeed in their mission, these brave men and women were remembered as heroes, recorded as gods in legends of old, forever imprinted in the minds and hearts of any creatures unfortunate enough to inhabit the abyss.
-----
Find a reason to live, he says. It's funny how a simple statement can completely change the course of one's thoughts and actions. He says again, find a reason to live. For a moment, that seems like endless days, I am submerged in deep thought. What exactly is the reason? Is it just simply because I am alive, and I'm not bothered enough to change that status? Is there actually a reason? And then it hit me. With the speed and force of a freight train. In everything I do, unbeknownst to me until now, there are signs of it. When I walk, when I cry, when I cut; it's there, just a shadow of the real thing, the real person. None of my actions are purely my own, rather hers in a different body. If she wishes to hurt me, then she does, but the physical pain from that is trivial against those times, which are getting steadily more frequent, when she is unaware how much emotional pain she is inflicting upon me, without meaning to. It does sometimes sicken me with self-hatred, how much I let another human being affect my life. She is the reason I walk this world alive, yet the very force that is pulling me over the edge.
So, I reply to him, after a million years, yes, I have a reason to live, but that is also the reason I want to die. To observe what one dreams of everyday, but never be able to grasp it, is far beyond the threshold of pain that I can take.
It is that realisation which has grafted this chasm, and dragged my fragile mind to its depths. Time passes so slowly down here, although I doubt I have much of it left.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)