Being Ange' 101

Nothing to gain.

How the hell do I even start this? 

Walked out of hospital this morning, straight to uni... Supposed to spend six hours working on this fucking assignment. Yeah. Like that was going to happen. I can honestly barely think straight about anything anymore. Why even. How even. Give me a reason, any fucking reason why. I know I'm going to halfass this assignment, probably going to fail, along with all the other ones I haven't done. Don't bloody know why I ever thought I could deal with tertiary education. Fucking high school was already too much for me.

Hollow and alone.

Writing straight like this... These posts always end up being a lot shorter than my other ones. Because it's not just words on a page, it's not creativity coursing through my veins. Something darker maybe? No. Because the dark, whatever it might be, is definite. And what I am now, is anything but. Not alone, yeah, in the sense that there are people around. There are always people around. But that doesn't make it go away.

I believe you, when you say those things, I do. It just isn't enough to even begin to take this away.

And the fault is my own.

Karma's a bitch. I've hurt many people, and I know I've probably hurt many more and not even realised it. So I deserve what I get, and that's fair enough. However, the struggle will always be how to make this all go away without hurting the people that I care about.

Because apparently they'd hurt. Who woulda' thunk it?

And the fault is my own.

Every time I see it, it makes me sick to my stomach. No matter how many times I try to rationalise it, they're just kids. For once this isn't just me acting like I'm older and know more of the world than these people. I am older and more aware of the world, and these children - not even teenagers - look at me like I'm their greatest role model. They thought it was the biggest joke, when I told one of them: 

"Whatever you do, don't ever fucking become like me."

I'm not "edgy", or "rebellious", or whatever the fuck you want to call it. I'm so fucking broken, and don't know how much you don't want this. When you can't sleep at night because of the shadows in the walls and the screaming in your head... You'll understand why.

Don't.

Don't look at me like that.

Don't even delude yourself into thinking that you have even the slightest ability to force me to feel anything. Don't sit there and try and psychoanalyse me, because I can see right through you. I don't care how much you tell yourself that you actually give a damn about me, because we both know you don't. I don't need your pity, and I sure as hell don't need you sticking your opinions into every single part of my life.

Humanity is so illogical. For the most part, we require some kind of social interaction. However, that's where the problems occur. It seems like a very negative view of humanity, but we're actually incapable of "playing nice" with everyone, all the time. I like to imagine a world where everyone lives a perfectly self-contained existence. Depressing, maybe, but if you think about it... You wouldn't miss the social interaction if you had never experienced it, would you?

-----

I love how people ask me why I want to be a psychologist. They always expect some selfless bullshit about "wanting to help people".

HAHA, NOPE.

I don't give a damn about almost all of the people I encounter during my day-to-day life. If I ever actually become a psychologist, I'll care a whole lot less about my clients. Being emotionally invested in things takes energy, which I usually save for caring about the people that actually matter in my life.

The only reason I even want to do this is because it's interesting. Human beings do the strangest things for even stranger reasons. What drives a person? More importantly, what makes them break?

-----

Her passing was marked with grey matter splattered on white walls, for beauty is in the eye of the beholder.