Dear Readers,
I'm not entirely sure why I chose to do this in letter form. Perhaps it is because it is easier to pour my thoughts and feelings seemingly to a person, or people, rather than the cold, dark place that is the world wide web. I might as well get the formalities over with at the start. Although it has been a long time since I last posted, I regret to inform you that I will be unable to provide you with your random fix of sarcasm, cynicism and haughty derision. There will still be posts on the site, but I urge you not to read them, for the quality of my writing at the present time is absolutely appalling, and I would not want to waste my dear, lovely readers' time, or insult their intelligence by encouraging them to continue reading this complete and utter bullshit.
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Who thought that something could shake the atmosphere, the very landscape of the abyss? The past week's events have brought a realisation that has changed my personality entirely, and has split the abyss by a vast chasm, and it is here , deep in this chasm, uncharted ground, where my psyche currently resides.
Children (and I use the term very loosely, as many of you are children in spirit, rather than reality), in life there sometimes comes moments of great, overwhelming self-realisation. Sometimes it will be easy to take, other times, not so much. Over the past few days, I've discovered that I have become that which I've always hated. Hell, maybe there's not even a "become" in that sentence, maybe I haven't changed, I've just lost a bit of my previous denial.
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They set out on their crusade, some alone, some in groups, and still others oblivious of their actions, all determined to fight and succeed in their cause. For the cause, they put aside their differences and fought side by side as brothers, to destroy the abyss, and all that it stood for, to bring light, relief and hope to all the creatures living within. Valiantly they fought on, passing through wall after wall of opposition as if it were merely air, until they finally dispelled the dark cloud that hung over the abyss, letting its inhabitants taste light for the first time in a millenia. Hope began to spread throughout the land, but as quickly as the light had come, it disappeared with one sentence, and the abyss was once again plunged into darkness, deeper than it had ever seen before. Though they did not completely succeed in their mission, these brave men and women were remembered as heroes, recorded as gods in legends of old, forever imprinted in the minds and hearts of any creatures unfortunate enough to inhabit the abyss.
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Find a reason to live, he says. It's funny how a simple statement can completely change the course of one's thoughts and actions. He says again, find a reason to live. For a moment, that seems like endless days, I am submerged in deep thought. What exactly is the reason? Is it just simply because I am alive, and I'm not bothered enough to change that status? Is there actually a reason? And then it hit me. With the speed and force of a freight train. In everything I do, unbeknownst to me until now, there are signs of it. When I walk, when I cry, when I cut; it's there, just a shadow of the real thing, the real person. None of my actions are purely my own, rather hers in a different body. If she wishes to hurt me, then she does, but the physical pain from that is trivial against those times, which are getting steadily more frequent, when she is unaware how much emotional pain she is inflicting upon me, without meaning to. It does sometimes sicken me with self-hatred, how much I let another human being affect my life. She is the reason I walk this world alive, yet the very force that is pulling me over the edge.
So, I reply to him, after a million years, yes, I have a reason to live, but that is also the reason I want to die. To observe what one dreams of everyday, but never be able to grasp it, is far beyond the threshold of pain that I can take.
It is that realisation which has grafted this chasm, and dragged my fragile mind to its depths. Time passes so slowly down here, although I doubt I have much of it left.
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