Rain is my boyfriend. Girlfriend. Significant other.
Rain is what I turn to for comfort and solace.
Right now, what I want most in the world, the thing that could make all my problems disappear, isn't to be safely in the arms of a ridiculously amazing person. There are enough of those in my life for me to make that wish a reality. I don't want somebody to hold me and wipe away my tears, and tell me it'll all be okay. Because realistically, it won't be. For a few moments, minutes, hours, I'll feel great. Then, moving from that to the real world... It's shattering.
What I want, is to curl up in a ball, on the cold concrete, with the rain beating down around me. Not because it's an incredibly pleasant sensation, but because it brings a grim reminder, like a nudge from reality. Every single life will disappear, and most will be meaningless in the stream of things. My life, the people around me, everything that seems so important right now, will all ultimately disappear, like tears in rain.
-----
People did ask me what was wrong. Lots of people, actually. I haven't been able to give them a decent answer, because, while I do have problems, they're not the main cause of my breakdowns. Apparently I'm an empath. Which, basically means that I'm more emotionally sensitive than most people, and have a heightened level of empathy.
Whoever you may be, even if you appear in the most miniscule way in my life, if you hurt, I hurt. This is apparently a good thing, supposedly making me a better listener, and giving me the ability to give good advice. But in reality, it just means I try to cut myself off from others. Which in itself is incredibly infuriating, seeing as I then feel guilty about not trying to help people with their problems, which adds guilt to all the other negative feelings that I was feeling before.
Another part of being an empath: Trust. Apparently I do it too much. I honestly can't help it though. Is it so wrong to assume that everybody in the world isn't out to fuck you over? Is it naive to trust that someone's telling you the truth, and not just trying to squeeze some information out of you?
I will believe in the inherently good nature of human beings, until each, individual person, proves me wrong. You cannot properly judge a whole generation on the actions of a few. Because somewhere among the lumps of coal, you'll walk past a diamond.
-----
As much as I am surrounded by problems and negativity, I'm doubly surrounded by truly beautiful people. I don't need to mention them by name, they know who they are. The friends I can count on for anything, whether it be to listen,
To fangirl,
To scare me into working,
To ditch school because school is LAME,
To sit around an eat my feelings with me,
To put up with my crazy,
And most of all to be there. Every single day of my life.
So, to all the amazing, magical, beautiful people in my life, past, present and future: Thank you for existing. I wouldn't be where I am now if your parents hadn't decided to fuck on that fateful night.
No comments:
Post a Comment