My Poor Darlings,
It's hard to believe that it was only a few short years ago that I was so full of childish hope and spirit. It's even harder to believe that I'm the same girl who wrote letters to people she thought were lovely, because "Letters make people feel all warm and fuzzy, cause they're heaps personal and shit. And everyone should be able to feel all warm and fuzzy once in a while". But then, I suppose I hardly classify as a girl anymore:
"I'm not a girl, I'm a bitch, and don't you forget it."
- Viridiana Sovari
A "girl" has all these sweet connotations, of innocence and fragility, of hopefulness and of love; all those things that I left behind me a long time ago. I think I miss that. I miss actually caring about things that happened to me. I miss being bothered enough to get up off my ass and do something about it. I miss anything and everything that came before this cold, calm apathy.
A lot can change in a year.
A year ago, I was depressed as fuck and on several different drugs, prescribed and otherwise. Now, I'm not depressed - I just don't feel. Anything that I can't respond to with laughter or hugs, I don't respond to at all. I'm still on drugs sometimes - just not prescription. But all of those are just surface changes.
I can look through messages I got a year ago. Texts, saved chat logs, emails.
All a blur of : "No matter what, we'll be friends for EVER and EVER and EVER"
Guess what? Other than the Soldiers of Fortune (who I love to itty bitty pieces and have yet to write a suitably badass blog entry about), I talk to maybe ten of the people I used to talk to - sporadically. It's not like I've just grown apart from all of them. Every single one of those other people has fucked me over.
Well, what's the big surprise? I mean, they're people after all. And that's what people DO.
"I love you."
They all said it. So did I. We're teenagers, so full of love that we hand it out to everyone like drugged candy, right?
Wrong.
Difference between me and them, apparently. When I say I love you, I fucking mean it. Not in the sense that I want your babies, or even in the sense that I want to jump your bones.
Just in the sense that, you know, you hold a little place in my heart, and you might, just maybe, actually mean something to me. Cause I'm not as happy and full of love as I look, and it takes a lot for me to actually care about people who aren't me. Increasingly more nowadays, since almost every time I decide to give a fuck about other human beings, it somehow turns around to bite me in the ass.
-----
You picked me up from rock bottom. You practically saved my life. I thought you'd be above this, you know.
I don't have the guts to scream this at you, or even to link you to this post. Because every single time I've held it in 'til I'm about to break, and when I finally just snap at you, before curling into a shaking ball of tears... You just act all confused like you have no idea what the fuck I'm going on about.
I wasn't lying: I actually am sorry.
I'm sorry for being me.
I'm sorry for feeling so much more than I'm supposed to.
Gomen-nasai.
Sometimes what you want to do will often act as a double edged-blade and end up hurting you. You have to realise sometimes...you just can't coax a situation. Sometimes people want to forget and move on. People change. Who we were before and now may have changed dramatically. The world doesn't revolve around you. Your world can't be fixed by your own hands because people are ignorant.
ReplyDeleteJust let it be, whoever saved you may not want to be saved. Whoever saved you may not need to be saved because thats how they are and that's how they'll ever be. Selfless.
Actions speak louder than words, what people don't see are the intentions behind those actions. More like what they chose to ignore. Amat Victoria Curam. It's tattooed on my chest, live by it once in a while and you'll see my world.
- Rain.
I don't want, or feel the need to save them, because you're right, they are selfless. I just need them to stop doing all the things they said they'd never do.
DeleteBut thank you Rain, you're right about all of that.
I know how you feel.
ReplyDeleteAll the people I thought would be there for me when I needed them the most suddenly upped and moved further and further away. I don't even know what I'm supposed to do anymore, life's a bloody bore.
But I just want you to know, you'll always be in my heart honey.
Always.
Thank you. It truly means a lot <3
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