How the hell do I even start this?
Walked out of hospital this morning, straight to uni... Supposed to spend six hours working on this fucking assignment. Yeah. Like that was going to happen. I can honestly barely think straight about anything anymore. Why even. How even. Give me a reason, any fucking reason why. I know I'm going to halfass this assignment, probably going to fail, along with all the other ones I haven't done. Don't bloody know why I ever thought I could deal with tertiary education. Fucking high school was already too much for me.
Hollow and alone.
Writing straight like this... These posts always end up being a lot shorter than my other ones. Because it's not just words on a page, it's not creativity coursing through my veins. Something darker maybe? No. Because the dark, whatever it might be, is definite. And what I am now, is anything but. Not alone, yeah, in the sense that there are people around. There are always people around. But that doesn't make it go away.
I believe you, when you say those things, I do. It just isn't enough to even begin to take this away.
And the fault is my own.
Karma's a bitch. I've hurt many people, and I know I've probably hurt many more and not even realised it. So I deserve what I get, and that's fair enough. However, the struggle will always be how to make this all go away without hurting the people that I care about.
Because apparently they'd hurt. Who woulda' thunk it?
And the fault is my own.
Every time I see it, it makes me sick to my stomach. No matter how many times I try to rationalise it, they're just kids. For once this isn't just me acting like I'm older and know more of the world than these people. I am older and more aware of the world, and these children - not even teenagers - look at me like I'm their greatest role model. They thought it was the biggest joke, when I told one of them:
"Whatever you do, don't ever fucking become like me."
I'm not "edgy", or "rebellious", or whatever the fuck you want to call it. I'm so fucking broken, and don't know how much you don't want this. When you can't sleep at night because of the shadows in the walls and the screaming in your head... You'll understand why.
Hang in there buddy, life may be pickles last year but I'm sure the gears will change this year. Hopefully in your favour and maybe you can mentor many other people who are living a dark life.
ReplyDeleteLife costs, what are you prepared to sacrifice?
I am the Ogrelord Shrek, this is my swamp.